Litany of Humility - Warning, this is radical!

Like I said...this is very radical.  I have prayed this before and it has cost me...I still greatly desire to be truly humble but I am careful about how soon and how deeply I desire it.  It's simply not our nature as human beings.

Litany of Humility

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being loved, deliver me, O Jesus
From the desire of being extolled, deliver me, O Jesus
From the desire of being honored, deliver me, O Jesus
From the desire of being praised, deliver me, O Jesus
From the desire of being preferred to others, deliver me, O Jesus
From the desire of being consulted, deliver me, O Jesus
From the desire of being approved, deliver me, O Jesus

From the fear of being humiliated, deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, deliver me, O Jesus
From the fear of suffering rebukes, deliver me, O Jesus
From the fear of being calumniated, deliver me, O Jesus
From the fear of being forgotten, deliver me, O Jesus
From the fear of being ridiculed, deliver me, O Jesus
From the fear of being wronged, deliver me, O Jesus
From the fear of being suspected, deliver me, O Jesus

That others may be loved more than I, O Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I, O Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may, increase and I may decrease, O Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, O Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I unnoticed, O Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, O Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, O Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

For those who are wondering, to be calumniated means to be spoken badly about, be lied about or falsely accused of something.  To repeat, this is TOUGH prayer...its the kind that takes a scouring pad or something more like sand paper to your heart and gives it a good, long scrub.  Like tough grease it's gotta cut through pride, selfishness and years of being trained to choose what is convenient and comfortable.  And it is only done by grace...pure and undeserved grace!  Jesus...you're so good to us.  So, so good. 

Songs of truth, in espanol

This first one is called "Estoy Aqui" which means "Here I Am" or "I Am Here."  It refers to Christ, God, the Holy Spirit - all right here for us and with us.  The song itself talks about hard seasons in life and not forgetting that whether or not we feel God's presence He has promised never to leave us or forsake us. My favorite lines: "Si quieren traicionarte lo usaré para tu bien, si quieren engañarte lo usaré para tu bien, si quieren hacerte daño lo usaré para tu bien, porque a los que me aman todo le obra para bien."  Roughly translated that means: If they want to betray you, I'll use it for your good.  If they want to trick you, I will use it for your good.  If they want to hurt you, I will use it for your good because I will work all things together for the good of those who love me."  That is a promise God makes to us.  


This song is called "Hablame de Jesus" which means "Talk to me about Jesus."  It basically is sung from the point of view of someone who is wondering about Jesus, what He did for them, what the cross is all about.  My favorite line is this one: El que se dice llamar cristiano por que me tratas con desprecio y no me tratas como hermano?...si tu quieres que alguien escuche el mensaje que tu les prediques pues primero tienes que vivirlo...no me hables de condenacion, si ni siquieras me has hablado de la salvacion, de la redencion, y restauracion..."  That translates to "You say you are a Christian but rather than treat me like a brother, you reject me.  If you want someone to listen to your message, live it out, first.  Don't talk to me about condemnation, if you haven't even talked to me about salvation, redemption and restoration."  Amen, right? Amen.  Enjoy.

Mother's Day

I haven’t been able to write in awhile because I haven’t felt up to it.  And right now, I both do and don’t want to write.  Nonetheless, here we go!

We just wrapped up our Mother’s Day program on Friday, May 11.  Mother’s Day is celebrated here in Mexico every year on May 10.  We decided to set our program for that Friday and a good number of mothers came out.  I was very nervous beforehand because we had not been able to practice as much for this performance as we had for Christmas and it seemed that this time around the kiddos had more ants in their pants, if you know what I mean.  I felt even worse because I ended up yelling at them more than usual, taking out on them what was a short timeline – not their fault at all.  But my mom gave me some solid advice and I prayed that God would allow us to simply be focused, calm and have a good time that day.  I planned to only say encouraging things to the children on that Friday and I wrote down what I would say.  The difference was recognizable.   With those words, smiles from their moms and grace from God, they did so great!  So great.  I was running back and forth a bit, so the only thing I could have asked for was the opportunity to take some pictures.  But, other than that, I was very content with their performances.  A girl who usually doesn’t talk much sang like a champ.  Another who has been known to end up staring at her nails or playing with her hair did all the dance moves brilliantly.  Best of all, there was a special part where they had to get the timing just right to do a sort of spin/turn and (praise God!) they did it and it looked great!   Happy Mother’s Day to all the mommies out there.  You guys have a job that no one understands unless they are in your shoes.  Your words, actions, hugs, smiles, everything you do impacts us.  For better and for worse, you help make us who we are.  The words “thank you” is not enough by far…nor are any presents we could give you.  Personally speaking, there isn’t any gift I could give or anything I could say to show my mom what she means to me after all these years.  I love you Mom and I wish I could be there to celebrate YOU, with you!

On Freedom and Idols

This is not proofread.  These are just thoughts.  I think I have an idol, maybe 2 that I never recognized in my life.  One would be freedom/independence and the other would be people.  I will start with the second.  People aren’t my idols in the sense that “OMG, I love you Michael Jackson and I can’t live without you!” or “Michelle Obama is a great lady.  I want to be just like her so I will dress, talk, etc etc like her.”  No.  I would say that living away from family and friends, in a culture different than my own, for various reasons, has caused me to set certain people on a pedestal.  It has caused me to long for them and look to them to fill my needs for affection, understanding and love.  To be honest, it has been hard for me to find that here in Mexico, as it is for anyone in a new setting.  The hole that opened up in my heart led me to be more grateful and appreciative of my loved ones (warts and all).  I began to say “I love you” more than I ever have before.  I began to open up to them and reach out in deeper ways as well.  But, over time…I think I have begun to look to them for what I was feeling I couldn’t get anywhere else.  What does that mean?   I wanted, and often still do, them to give me what I think God can’t.  Week after week I was still struggling with building solid relationships here though I thought I had been as open and friendly as I could.  So I sought that missing intimacy back home through phone calls, emails, etc.

Just the other day someone told me they loved me and were proud of me.  The more I hear that, the more I only want to be there, in that place, with that person.  The more I just want to hug them and not let go for awhile.  But there is still something wrong there…I don’t know how to explain it.  As much as I have sought God to carry me through the low points of this year, as much as I’ve tried to consider how others have sought God, received His love and that has been enough for them…it seems it hasn’t been enough for me.  That thought process has got to change.  All the people in the world will never be able to love me or provide for me like my Father does – that is the truth.  But it has been hard because I can hear my Mom say I love you which simply is not the same as reminding myself that God loves me or reading it in His Word.  At least, not yet.  I know it will be one day.  As for today and the near future, when my sister and parents are thousands of miles away and my friends are all over the country/globe, I have to wrestle with this idol.  May God forgive me for not being able to receive His love and rest in it.   For choosing what is in front of me instead of embracing His love in faith, for opening my eyes to it and knowing that it will be so much deeper, truer and life-affirming than any love people could offer.  Wow…that is why I said, wrestle!

Praises: My dear friend Jen Quach sent some wonderful new puzzles to my students.  They love them.  So do I!  Toy food – I mean, it can’t get any better.  I had a really nice spring break in Houston visiting friends and neighbors from Mission Year, in Boston visiting friends and family and in New York seeing the best lil sister – Jessie.  My Spanish is coming along pretty nicely.

Prayer requests:  That I would speak up more during group conversations.  Speaking Spanish one-on-one is going well.  But in big groups it is much harder – not only because of the language but because I am kind of on the introverted side.  My class has many events coming up in the next few months – recitals and such.  So pray for effective time management and patience on all sides.  And in general, that I would be a good example for my students of what it means to love and serve in the name of Jesus, in the classroom and in my interactions with the other teachers.

Thank you to whoever is reading this for reading, thinking of me and praying.  You are great.  The affection I have for you can’t really be expressed in words!  May God be growing and teaching you and loving on you as well. 

What I learned in Kindergarten

Found this somewhere online...don't remember where though.  It is incredibly accurate! :)

Just about everything I need to know to make life a good one, I learned in kindergarten:

Share everything.
Play fair.
Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.
Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush. (Add to that, close the bathroom door.)
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life—learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work everyday some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
Be aware of wonder.

Working on it!  Not just in my class, but in me. :)

Words

courtesy of Paulo Coelho's blog:

Two young kangaroos were playing in the forest when they fell into a very deep pit. They tried to jump out but couldn’t jump high enough to get out of the hole.
Meanwhile, a big group of kangaroos started gathering above the pit – the pit was very deep and the gathered onlookers shouted to the two young kangaroos that it was impossible for them to get out. The older one of the two kangaroos heard the disheartening words of the spectators and after a while gave up and fell asleep, whilst the younger kept jumping and trying harder.
It started getting dark in the forest and the group started shouting louder to the younger kangaroo to give up and stop as they believed there was no hope, but the young kangaroo was determined and he continued jumping even harder.
Finally, he managed to jump out of the hole – the spectators were shocked and asked the kangaroo, “When we had told you so many times that it was impossible to get out, what was the reason that you tried even harder?”

The kangaroo was shocked because he had not heard their discouraging shouts from the hole as he was partially deaf. As he couldn’t hear anything in the pit he thought they were all gathered there to cheer him on, encouraging him to jump out. He told them, “looking at all of you standing there cheering me gave me the strength to succeed in my mission of getting out of the pit.”

This is a simple story with a very powerful lesson - Always remember the affect your words have on others. Your encouraging words have the potential to lift someone up and help them in achieving great things. Whilst, your negative words can cause deep hurt. Don’t let your words be the reason that someone is discouraged to continue trying to achieve their dream.

Trustin' God

There are many painful things we face in our lives here on Earth.  One of which is the realization that we are less than we imagine ourselves to be or aspire to.  As if this experience has become a sort of sifter, lots of things within me are being shaken out.  It has been painful because most of them are negative, sinful habits and ways of thinking.  It’s like this: I thought that at various times in my life I had uncovered the yucky parts of my heart.  I thought I had opened my eyes to them and began the process of change.  In some ways I thought I had overcome these sinful tendencies – toward jealousy, judgmentalism, pride, selfishness and doubt.  I was more self-confident, I was more disciplined in prayer and Bible reading, I was more affectionate, I was more considerate…I was becoming more of who I wanted to be and who I thought God wanted me to be.  God does want all of that.  But today, I find myself being rubbed the wrong way by a different culture, a different language, a new job, different people…and I didn’t anticipate any of it!  It was unwise of me not to have anticipated a rocky transition, I see that now.  And so, each day has been a part of the process of me recognizing something in myself that shouldn’t be.  Recognizing bitterness or anger, self-condemnation and jealousy, homesickness and judgmentalism of the way other people do things, and at the root of it all is the unfortunate reality that I don’t trust God or believe as much in His mercy, His love and His Word than I had come to believe I did.  I know I am only 23 – so how much could I really have “overcome” in my life…and it is true.  I haven’t had to endure much in the form of prolonged pain – physical or otherwise.  But I thought I was a better person than I am.  I thought I had more love in my heart than I do.  I thought I was firmer in my faith than I am.  I thought I wanted to be humbled...but the cost is so high!  Something has dropped and my life is sort of upside down.  I don’t know how I will get through this time because I, frankly, am not enough.  I have so much growing and learning to do!  I have made too many mistakes and they overwhelm me – especially the thought of making more…May this time, as You have said Lord, teach me to persevere, grow in character and become firm in hope.   May I be confident that the good work You began in me, You will carry on to completion in the day of Jesus Christ.  And may I come to trust that everything I need, I already have in You.

Putting it all in His hands because He’s able to do more than all I ask or imagine.  Stay tuned for pictures of my class!