On Freedom and Idols

This is not proofread.  These are just thoughts.  I think I have an idol, maybe 2 that I never recognized in my life.  One would be freedom/independence and the other would be people.  I will start with the second.  People aren’t my idols in the sense that “OMG, I love you Michael Jackson and I can’t live without you!” or “Michelle Obama is a great lady.  I want to be just like her so I will dress, talk, etc etc like her.”  No.  I would say that living away from family and friends, in a culture different than my own, for various reasons, has caused me to set certain people on a pedestal.  It has caused me to long for them and look to them to fill my needs for affection, understanding and love.  To be honest, it has been hard for me to find that here in Mexico, as it is for anyone in a new setting.  The hole that opened up in my heart led me to be more grateful and appreciative of my loved ones (warts and all).  I began to say “I love you” more than I ever have before.  I began to open up to them and reach out in deeper ways as well.  But, over time…I think I have begun to look to them for what I was feeling I couldn’t get anywhere else.  What does that mean?   I wanted, and often still do, them to give me what I think God can’t.  Week after week I was still struggling with building solid relationships here though I thought I had been as open and friendly as I could.  So I sought that missing intimacy back home through phone calls, emails, etc.

Just the other day someone told me they loved me and were proud of me.  The more I hear that, the more I only want to be there, in that place, with that person.  The more I just want to hug them and not let go for awhile.  But there is still something wrong there…I don’t know how to explain it.  As much as I have sought God to carry me through the low points of this year, as much as I’ve tried to consider how others have sought God, received His love and that has been enough for them…it seems it hasn’t been enough for me.  That thought process has got to change.  All the people in the world will never be able to love me or provide for me like my Father does – that is the truth.  But it has been hard because I can hear my Mom say I love you which simply is not the same as reminding myself that God loves me or reading it in His Word.  At least, not yet.  I know it will be one day.  As for today and the near future, when my sister and parents are thousands of miles away and my friends are all over the country/globe, I have to wrestle with this idol.  May God forgive me for not being able to receive His love and rest in it.   For choosing what is in front of me instead of embracing His love in faith, for opening my eyes to it and knowing that it will be so much deeper, truer and life-affirming than any love people could offer.  Wow…that is why I said, wrestle!

Praises: My dear friend Jen Quach sent some wonderful new puzzles to my students.  They love them.  So do I!  Toy food – I mean, it can’t get any better.  I had a really nice spring break in Houston visiting friends and neighbors from Mission Year, in Boston visiting friends and family and in New York seeing the best lil sister – Jessie.  My Spanish is coming along pretty nicely.

Prayer requests:  That I would speak up more during group conversations.  Speaking Spanish one-on-one is going well.  But in big groups it is much harder – not only because of the language but because I am kind of on the introverted side.  My class has many events coming up in the next few months – recitals and such.  So pray for effective time management and patience on all sides.  And in general, that I would be a good example for my students of what it means to love and serve in the name of Jesus, in the classroom and in my interactions with the other teachers.

Thank you to whoever is reading this for reading, thinking of me and praying.  You are great.  The affection I have for you can’t really be expressed in words!  May God be growing and teaching you and loving on you as well.