On Freedom and Idols

This is not proofread.  These are just thoughts.  I think I have an idol, maybe 2 that I never recognized in my life.  One would be freedom/independence and the other would be people.  I will start with the second.  People aren’t my idols in the sense that “OMG, I love you Michael Jackson and I can’t live without you!” or “Michelle Obama is a great lady.  I want to be just like her so I will dress, talk, etc etc like her.”  No.  I would say that living away from family and friends, in a culture different than my own, for various reasons, has caused me to set certain people on a pedestal.  It has caused me to long for them and look to them to fill my needs for affection, understanding and love.  To be honest, it has been hard for me to find that here in Mexico, as it is for anyone in a new setting.  The hole that opened up in my heart led me to be more grateful and appreciative of my loved ones (warts and all).  I began to say “I love you” more than I ever have before.  I began to open up to them and reach out in deeper ways as well.  But, over time…I think I have begun to look to them for what I was feeling I couldn’t get anywhere else.  What does that mean?   I wanted, and often still do, them to give me what I think God can’t.  Week after week I was still struggling with building solid relationships here though I thought I had been as open and friendly as I could.  So I sought that missing intimacy back home through phone calls, emails, etc.

Just the other day someone told me they loved me and were proud of me.  The more I hear that, the more I only want to be there, in that place, with that person.  The more I just want to hug them and not let go for awhile.  But there is still something wrong there…I don’t know how to explain it.  As much as I have sought God to carry me through the low points of this year, as much as I’ve tried to consider how others have sought God, received His love and that has been enough for them…it seems it hasn’t been enough for me.  That thought process has got to change.  All the people in the world will never be able to love me or provide for me like my Father does – that is the truth.  But it has been hard because I can hear my Mom say I love you which simply is not the same as reminding myself that God loves me or reading it in His Word.  At least, not yet.  I know it will be one day.  As for today and the near future, when my sister and parents are thousands of miles away and my friends are all over the country/globe, I have to wrestle with this idol.  May God forgive me for not being able to receive His love and rest in it.   For choosing what is in front of me instead of embracing His love in faith, for opening my eyes to it and knowing that it will be so much deeper, truer and life-affirming than any love people could offer.  Wow…that is why I said, wrestle!

Praises: My dear friend Jen Quach sent some wonderful new puzzles to my students.  They love them.  So do I!  Toy food – I mean, it can’t get any better.  I had a really nice spring break in Houston visiting friends and neighbors from Mission Year, in Boston visiting friends and family and in New York seeing the best lil sister – Jessie.  My Spanish is coming along pretty nicely.

Prayer requests:  That I would speak up more during group conversations.  Speaking Spanish one-on-one is going well.  But in big groups it is much harder – not only because of the language but because I am kind of on the introverted side.  My class has many events coming up in the next few months – recitals and such.  So pray for effective time management and patience on all sides.  And in general, that I would be a good example for my students of what it means to love and serve in the name of Jesus, in the classroom and in my interactions with the other teachers.

Thank you to whoever is reading this for reading, thinking of me and praying.  You are great.  The affection I have for you can’t really be expressed in words!  May God be growing and teaching you and loving on you as well. 

What I learned in Kindergarten

Found this somewhere online...don't remember where though.  It is incredibly accurate! :)

Just about everything I need to know to make life a good one, I learned in kindergarten:

Share everything.
Play fair.
Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.
Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush. (Add to that, close the bathroom door.)
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life—learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work everyday some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
Be aware of wonder.

Working on it!  Not just in my class, but in me. :)

Words

courtesy of Paulo Coelho's blog:

Two young kangaroos were playing in the forest when they fell into a very deep pit. They tried to jump out but couldn’t jump high enough to get out of the hole.
Meanwhile, a big group of kangaroos started gathering above the pit – the pit was very deep and the gathered onlookers shouted to the two young kangaroos that it was impossible for them to get out. The older one of the two kangaroos heard the disheartening words of the spectators and after a while gave up and fell asleep, whilst the younger kept jumping and trying harder.
It started getting dark in the forest and the group started shouting louder to the younger kangaroo to give up and stop as they believed there was no hope, but the young kangaroo was determined and he continued jumping even harder.
Finally, he managed to jump out of the hole – the spectators were shocked and asked the kangaroo, “When we had told you so many times that it was impossible to get out, what was the reason that you tried even harder?”

The kangaroo was shocked because he had not heard their discouraging shouts from the hole as he was partially deaf. As he couldn’t hear anything in the pit he thought they were all gathered there to cheer him on, encouraging him to jump out. He told them, “looking at all of you standing there cheering me gave me the strength to succeed in my mission of getting out of the pit.”

This is a simple story with a very powerful lesson - Always remember the affect your words have on others. Your encouraging words have the potential to lift someone up and help them in achieving great things. Whilst, your negative words can cause deep hurt. Don’t let your words be the reason that someone is discouraged to continue trying to achieve their dream.

Trustin' God

There are many painful things we face in our lives here on Earth.  One of which is the realization that we are less than we imagine ourselves to be or aspire to.  As if this experience has become a sort of sifter, lots of things within me are being shaken out.  It has been painful because most of them are negative, sinful habits and ways of thinking.  It’s like this: I thought that at various times in my life I had uncovered the yucky parts of my heart.  I thought I had opened my eyes to them and began the process of change.  In some ways I thought I had overcome these sinful tendencies – toward jealousy, judgmentalism, pride, selfishness and doubt.  I was more self-confident, I was more disciplined in prayer and Bible reading, I was more affectionate, I was more considerate…I was becoming more of who I wanted to be and who I thought God wanted me to be.  God does want all of that.  But today, I find myself being rubbed the wrong way by a different culture, a different language, a new job, different people…and I didn’t anticipate any of it!  It was unwise of me not to have anticipated a rocky transition, I see that now.  And so, each day has been a part of the process of me recognizing something in myself that shouldn’t be.  Recognizing bitterness or anger, self-condemnation and jealousy, homesickness and judgmentalism of the way other people do things, and at the root of it all is the unfortunate reality that I don’t trust God or believe as much in His mercy, His love and His Word than I had come to believe I did.  I know I am only 23 – so how much could I really have “overcome” in my life…and it is true.  I haven’t had to endure much in the form of prolonged pain – physical or otherwise.  But I thought I was a better person than I am.  I thought I had more love in my heart than I do.  I thought I was firmer in my faith than I am.  I thought I wanted to be humbled...but the cost is so high!  Something has dropped and my life is sort of upside down.  I don’t know how I will get through this time because I, frankly, am not enough.  I have so much growing and learning to do!  I have made too many mistakes and they overwhelm me – especially the thought of making more…May this time, as You have said Lord, teach me to persevere, grow in character and become firm in hope.   May I be confident that the good work You began in me, You will carry on to completion in the day of Jesus Christ.  And may I come to trust that everything I need, I already have in You.

Putting it all in His hands because He’s able to do more than all I ask or imagine.  Stay tuned for pictures of my class!

The things you learn...

Teacher things that I never could have imagined:

Cardboard (in all forms) is my new best friend

All children apparently tend toward bipolar disorder: one day they do everything you ask the first time you ask and the next, they are the definition of a nuisance

In one ear and out the other – truer words were never spoken

3 and 4 year olds have allowed me the privilege of becoming more closely acquainted with bodily functions of all varieties!  They’ve also shown me that there is no need to starve as long as we’ve got boogers, paper, stickers and playdo!

An amazing day can follow a disastrous one – through no power of my own

When in doubt, sing a song and move about (haha, I just made that up!  But really, it’s a lifesaving technique)

When I discipline them or teach them healthy life skills or about people from the Bible – I might as well be sitting where they are because I find myself needing to hear alllll of it too

It’s amazing how mad I can get at a 3 year old.  I’ll be honest.  I am not one to yell.  But in my classroom, I’ve taken it there…and I shock myself when I do.  I am still learning how to appreciate their limited capacities at that age.

It's a no pleasure at all to meet you rat poop.  And definitely not a pleasure to smell/see the remnants of your dead creator.  Yea...we've got rats in the school.  Yipes!

…more to come

Going home on Dec. 18.  Praise God!  Although I have felt more “at home” here in the last week than I have since I got here 3.5 mo ago, I can’t wait to be home-home.  I can’t wait to just be Lena for 2 weeks, not “Lena, the preschool/kindergarten teacher living in Mexico learning to speak a foreign language and trying to figure out what it means to serve Jesus here.”  It is a privilege to have the finances, the time and the documentation to be able to go home and spend time with my family – a privilege many don’t have.  I am grateful for it. 

Just some thoughts: ‘“Speak the truth without fear and without exception, and see everyone whose work is related to your purpose.  You are in God’s work, so you need not fear man’s scorn.  If they listen to your requests and grant them, you will be satisfied.  If they reject them, then you must make their rejection your strength.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

 The acceptance of this…is to be simply, directly truthful, whatever may be the cost of life, limb or security.  For he who accepts…there may be quick and speedy judgment with attendant loss.  There must always be confidence that the effect of truthfulness can be realized in the mind of the oppressor as well as the oppressed.  There is no substitute for such faith.’

Howard Thurman, Jesus and the Disinherited

Prayer requests: that my students Christmas performance would go well (they're singing a song and reciting poems), safety in travel home, blessed time with family, a friend Vicky Castro who is trying to get her paperwork in order to freely go to and from TX where her daughter and grandson live - she hasn't seen her daughter in over a year.

Desert You-Name-It

I think I am in a desert.  Yes, it was ridiculously hot well into October, but that’s not what I’m talking about.  Personally, it has been a spiritual desert.  Here is what I mean: sometimes in life we feel alone and or/like no one understands/cares.  Whether that is true or not, we look around us and see unfamiliar faces, have conversations that don’t leave us satisfied or don’t communicate at all, find ourselves doing things that don’t satisfy, we watch while those around us do or desire things that are confusing, uninteresting, inapplicable, and sometimes offensive to us, and we look at ourselves and wonder…what’s wrong here?  What can I do to make sense of all this?  How do I fit in?  Because although you are surrounded by life and people, you may as well be thousands of miles away in the middle of Desert You-Name-It.

That’s about how I have been feeling for the past month.  Very little in my life here is as expected and I lack many things I believe are essential; I lack things that make me feel at home, accepted, like I have purpose and direction.  Who knew there would be so much I feel like I lack when I’ve got a laptop, my own room, bathroom, running water (hot water, too), air conditioning, a cell phone, wifi, a roof over my head and a paying job.  I mean, some days I feel crazy and totally ungrateful because I think “Look at what you’ve got, Lena.  Look where God has brought you, just be content already!”

But I haven’t discovered Paul’s secret (Phil 4:10-13), I haven’t grasped it.  Why?  Maybe because what I need can’t be bought like most of what I listed above.  I miss friends, people who have similar interests/hobbies/passions/vision, I miss getting to mix and mingle with people my age, going and coming when I please, public transportation, biking and walking, holding hands while saying grace, daily devotions with people I care about/share common goals with.  I miss fellowship, in and out of church, corporate prayer, table fellowship (eating with friends and extending friendship to all sorts of people), being able to express my thoughts/feelings clearly in a language I am comfortable with, preparing meals with familiar faces, being part of a team, structure, clear expectations and norms, discipleship and mentoring, being a train ride away from my family.

 Most of all I miss just knowing that I matter and I realize that all of the above from into/from that.  I miss being a part of something.  I can’t figure out where I went wrong…some days I get so down thinking, “this is so difficult. This is not the life I signed up for, not the life I want.”  Then God revealed to me something to put my thoughts in perspective.  “Lena, how many people in this world are not living the life they ‘signed up for?’ How many have never had a life they ‘wanted’?”  Ahhhh…millions, Lord!  I personally know a few who are not fortunate enough to freely/fully live as they would like.  I think of my cousin who is an orphan and has moved too many times for his young age – not the life he ‘wanted.’ I think of a friend who is currently in career limbo.  Unsatisfied with scores on a major test that could determine her life path, she is temporarily working and trying to figure things out.  Also, not the life she ‘wanted.’   Thousands, millions in countries like Thailand and Pakistan are facing record floods which has taken a toll on, well, everything.  No doubt my brothers and sisters there have thought “Ugh, this sucks!!  I don’t want to live like this.”  And consider eastern Africa right now where millions more are dying daily or fleeing homes in search of food and water due to severe drought and famine.  On the scale of “This is not the life I wanted “ they are at the far end of “We have no food, no water and no home…this is not life.”

And the list goes on.  I don’t know if my unhappiness has any merit against the millions of others who are unhappy in this world, but I know that things could be better here.  My desert is my own issue to deal with but the situational issues at play here are real.  Please pray for conviction, movement and change at the school and the church I attend (both headed by the family I am living with.)  The school’s administration lacks leadership and accountability, we as a staff lack accountability, unity and effective communication.  As a ministry, both the church and the school lack intentional fellowship and prayer.

I am putting my hope is in the Lord, I trust in His holy name. 

Psalm 1:2-4  "[blessed is he] whose delight is in the law of the LORD, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers."

Oh and praise God for beautiful things - shout out to friends Bonnie and Sean who just got engaged.  :)  

Honeymoon is over

Good people,

   So, I haven’t written in awhile.  Well, I’ve written plenty in my journal but haven’t put anything up here because well, I have been having a hard time.  The good news is that I officially have my working Visa which is good for 1 year.  I can travel freely throughout Mexico now and work without trouble.  Hallelujah!  Thank you, Jesus.  Many people on this side try for months on end to get their papers in order so that they can simply travel across the border to Texas and I was able to secure my documents in just one.   One co-worker, Vicky, hasn’t been able to see her daughter in a year because she lives here and her daughter lives in Texas.  Neither of them have the proper documentation to cross.  Thankfully they can talk on the phone regularly and send pictures and gifts to one another.  But, Vicky tells me they do miss each other a lot.

Other good news: I am drinking tea, I just saw my parents and read a really awesome email from an awesome friend.  The tea is good because my parents sent it to me.  I just saw them because they also sent me a webcam!  And my friend is awesome because she encouraged me when I really needed it.

Teaching has been a rough road.  I don’t know what teaching preschool is like for most but in my class I feel as though 80% of the time is spent simply trying to hold the children’s attention.  How exhausting!  And that doesn’t always allow me to be on time for things or get administrative tasks done – both of which reflect poorly on me.  Because of this and other things I have been thinking about/frustrated by, I have been sort of on edge lately, uncertain and wishing I had friends/family close by.

Tomorrow begins a new week and I do have some exciting things planned.  Last week I attended a women’s bible study with a co-worker and hope to continue to go regularly.  I also hope to see a soccer game soon.  I am going to start walking around more on my own.

Some things have been weighing very heavy on me in recent weeks and I ask you to please, pray for me.  Pray that if God wants me to do something about them, speak up or just let them go – I would know clearly.  And for peace – it’s okay to make mistakes, to be awkward and not to meet the expectations of others.  You’ve got tomorrow, which is a new day, and a day that the Lord made.   He made it just for you and me to experience His goodness and share it with someone.