There are many painful things we face in our lives here on Earth. One of which is the realization that we are less than we imagine ourselves to be or aspire to. As if this experience has become a sort of sifter, lots of things within me are being shaken out. It has been painful because most of them are negative, sinful habits and ways of thinking. It’s like this: I thought that at various times in my life I had uncovered the yucky parts of my heart. I thought I had opened my eyes to them and began the process of change. In some ways I thought I had overcome these sinful tendencies – toward jealousy, judgmentalism, pride, selfishness and doubt. I was more self-confident, I was more disciplined in prayer and Bible reading, I was more affectionate, I was more considerate…I was becoming more of who I wanted to be and who I thought God wanted me to be. God does want all of that. But today, I find myself being rubbed the wrong way by a different culture, a different language, a new job, different people…and I didn’t anticipate any of it! It was unwise of me not to have anticipated a rocky transition, I see that now. And so, each day has been a part of the process of me recognizing something in myself that shouldn’t be. Recognizing bitterness or anger, self-condemnation and jealousy, homesickness and judgmentalism of the way other people do things, and at the root of it all is the unfortunate reality that I don’t trust God or believe as much in His mercy, His love and His Word than I had come to believe I did. I know I am only 23 – so how much could I really have “overcome” in my life…and it is true. I haven’t had to endure much in the form of prolonged pain – physical or otherwise. But I thought I was a better person than I am. I thought I had more love in my heart than I do. I thought I was firmer in my faith than I am. I thought I wanted to be humbled...but the cost is so high! Something has dropped and my life is sort of upside down. I don’t know how I will get through this time because I, frankly, am not enough. I have so much growing and learning to do! I have made too many mistakes and they overwhelm me – especially the thought of making more…May this time, as You have said Lord, teach me to persevere, grow in character and become firm in hope. May I be confident that the good work You began in me, You will carry on to completion in the day of Jesus Christ. And may I come to trust that everything I need, I already have in You.
Putting it all in His hands because He’s able to do more than all I ask or imagine. Stay tuned for pictures of my class!
