I think I am in a desert. Yes, it was ridiculously hot well into October, but that’s not what I’m talking about. Personally, it has been a spiritual desert. Here is what I mean: sometimes in life we feel alone and or/like no one understands/cares. Whether that is true or not, we look around us and see unfamiliar faces, have conversations that don’t leave us satisfied or don’t communicate at all, find ourselves doing things that don’t satisfy, we watch while those around us do or desire things that are confusing, uninteresting, inapplicable, and sometimes offensive to us, and we look at ourselves and wonder…what’s wrong here? What can I do to make sense of all this? How do I fit in? Because although you are surrounded by life and people, you may as well be thousands of miles away in the middle of Desert You-Name-It.
That’s about how I have been feeling for the past month. Very little in my life here is as expected and I lack many things I believe are essential; I lack things that make me feel at home, accepted, like I have purpose and direction. Who knew there would be so much I feel like I lack when I’ve got a laptop, my own room, bathroom, running water (hot water, too), air conditioning, a cell phone, wifi, a roof over my head and a paying job. I mean, some days I feel crazy and totally ungrateful because I think “Look at what you’ve got, Lena. Look where God has brought you, just be content already!”
But I haven’t discovered Paul’s secret (Phil 4:10-13), I haven’t grasped it. Why? Maybe because what I need can’t be bought like most of what I listed above. I miss friends, people who have similar interests/hobbies/passions/vision, I miss getting to mix and mingle with people my age, going and coming when I please, public transportation, biking and walking, holding hands while saying grace, daily devotions with people I care about/share common goals with. I miss fellowship, in and out of church, corporate prayer, table fellowship (eating with friends and extending friendship to all sorts of people), being able to express my thoughts/feelings clearly in a language I am comfortable with, preparing meals with familiar faces, being part of a team, structure, clear expectations and norms, discipleship and mentoring, being a train ride away from my family.
Most of all I miss just knowing that I matter and I realize that all of the above from into/from that. I miss being a part of something. I can’t figure out where I went wrong…some days I get so down thinking, “this is so difficult. This is not the life I signed up for, not the life I want.” Then God revealed to me something to put my thoughts in perspective. “Lena, how many people in this world are not living the life they ‘signed up for?’ How many have never had a life they ‘wanted’?” Ahhhh…millions, Lord! I personally know a few who are not fortunate enough to freely/fully live as they would like. I think of my cousin who is an orphan and has moved too many times for his young age – not the life he ‘wanted.’ I think of a friend who is currently in career limbo. Unsatisfied with scores on a major test that could determine her life path, she is temporarily working and trying to figure things out. Also, not the life she ‘wanted.’ Thousands, millions in countries like Thailand and Pakistan are facing record floods which has taken a toll on, well, everything. No doubt my brothers and sisters there have thought “Ugh, this sucks!! I don’t want to live like this.” And consider eastern Africa right now where millions more are dying daily or fleeing homes in search of food and water due to severe drought and famine. On the scale of “This is not the life I wanted “ they are at the far end of “We have no food, no water and no home…this is not life.”
And the list goes on. I don’t know if my unhappiness has any merit against the millions of others who are unhappy in this world, but I know that things could be better here. My desert is my own issue to deal with but the situational issues at play here are real. Please pray for conviction, movement and change at the school and the church I attend (both headed by the family I am living with.) The school’s administration lacks leadership and accountability, we as a staff lack accountability, unity and effective communication. As a ministry, both the church and the school lack intentional fellowship and prayer.
I am putting my hope is in the Lord, I trust in His holy name.
Psalm 1:2-4 "[blessed is he] whose delight is in the law of the LORD, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers."
Oh and praise God for beautiful things - shout out to friends Bonnie and Sean who just got engaged. :)
